Hiking the Colorado Trail from Denver to Durango
“You’re a loser, Nancy,” said the Niggling Little Voice roaming around my head.
“No, I’m not,” I replied. “Do you see this hill I’m climbing? Two miles straight up! I am strong. I am invincible. I am WOMAN!”
“But look at how you’re huffing and puffing,” the NLV said. “You’re pathetic.”
“Am not.”
“Are too.”
And then I reached the top of the climb and started down.
Within a few feet, massive jolts of pain radiated out of my left hip. I leaned on my trekking poles and carefully picked a path between rocks and roots, knowing I had two miles of downhill in front of me.
A wide spot in the Colorado Trail
Two miles of torture. Two miles of never knowing when my hip would buckle and I’d plummet down the steep slope.
“You’re a loser, Nancy,” the NLV repeated.
“You’re right,” I agreed. “Totally.”
I was invincible on the uphills, but worthless on the downhills. Less than worthless. Pathetic.
“Mom, are you OK?” Davy asked. I think he saw the tears streaming down my face. No, I wasn’t OK.
By the time I reached the bottom of the hill two long miles away, I was emotionally and mentally fried. I unbuckled my backpack, peeled it away from my body, curled up in a fetal position in the grassy meadow, and sobbed hysterically.
I was done. My dream of hiking the 500-mile Colorado Trail was over. My body had betrayed me. I had failed.
We had been so excited about tackling a new adventure. We’ve mastered the bike touring learning curve and were excited about trading our pedals for hiking boots. A 500-mile hike from Denver to Durango sounded idyllic.
And it was idyllic – for John and the boys. For me it was a nightmare.
Together as a family we made the painful decision that I would bail from the trail. My three boys would continue on without me. The dream was over for me, but not for them.
As I wriggled into my backpack the following day for the hike out to the road, confusion reigned unchecked in my mind. On the one hand, I wanted to be with my family. I wanted to complete what I set out to do. On the other hand, I knew the reality and knew that, for me, continuing on would be foolish.
How does one find the equilibrium there?
As I lay in the back of the pickup of the father/son team that took me out to the highway, I had some time to think. What is it that I always tell my sons? That I don’t really care if they win, as long as they try their best? That it doesn’t matter if there is something they can’t do, as long as they give it a go and at least try?
And yet somehow that didn’t apply to me. Somehow I was different. I didn’t play by the same rules. It wasn’t acceptable for me to bail.
But it was.
I’ve now been off the trail for ten days and I’m good with it. I know I tried my best. I hiked fifty miles and gave it my all. I can look back upon that week on the trail and know I poured myself into that dream.
I also know there are times when, no matter how strong your mind is, your body doesn’t cooperate. This was one of those times. I’m getting older and my body isn’t what it once was. It would have been foolish for me to continue.
Did I lose? You bet – in some ways. I lost 450 miles of the trail. I lost precious time with my children.
But overall, I’m not a loser because I tried. I packed that backpack, slung it onto my back, and tried. And I truly believe that is what’s important.
I could have looked at that 500 miles and said, “I can’t do that!” and then not even taken that very first step. If I had done that, I would have been a loser. If I hadn’t even attempted it, I would have lost for sure.
Way back in 2008 as we were getting ready for our Alaska to Argentina bike tour I said, “We might not make it, but we’ll never know if we don’t try. If we never take that first pedal stroke, we’ll never take the last one either.”
And now, I won’t get to take that last step into Durango with my boys, but I took the first. I tried. I gave it my best shot. I may not have accomplished all I set out to do, but I’ll go to my grave knowing I tried.
If that’s what I ask from my sons, that’s what I’ll demand from myself. And it’s a heck of a lot more than most people ever do.
I’m not a loser. I won because I tried.
So sorry you won’t be able to finish the journey, but I totally agree: You’re a winner for doing it and giving it all you had. And listening to your body and being realistic is a good example for your children as well.
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Nancy Reply:
June 18th, 2012 at 2:04 pm
@Talon, You’re right. Being wise about things is a good lesson as well. Not that that was my intention, but…
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You did fantastically! “At least I tried” is my motto. I’ve tried a lot of hard stuff, and some would say I failed because I didn’t finish…but my question to them is, “Have YOU tried?” To which they then sheepishly say, “No…” and try to change the subject.
My son and I talk about this idea frequently, and although it has taken time (part of the normal maturing process, I think), he is starting to live according to the “At least I tried” philosophy too.
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Nancy Reply:
June 18th, 2012 at 2:06 pm
@Malea, Ultimately, that’s all we can expect from anyone. We can’t do everything, but we can try our best. Now if only I could remember this lesson for the next time…
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For the first time in 24 years I was not able this year to hike the highest mountain in Texas with my students. I had bronchitis and even though I wanted to try, it was not possible. My students did not make me feel bad at all and was glad I did not put myself at risk on the mountain by trying to hike. Your inspiration for your boys to even do the hike was probably the main reason they are hiking today, and they are glad for that. You will be in their minds every day so in a way, you will have been along with them.
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Nancy Reply:
June 18th, 2012 at 2:11 pm
@Rick, I’m good at listening to my body, but not so good at obeying it. Good for you for doing what it told you!
Here’s what Daryl wrote that day: I’m going to miss her. For one thing, she’s a good cook, but I think I’ll just miss her being here. On the bright side, I won’t have to take so many baths now.
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You are indeed a winner. There were things leading up to this that could have put you off of your dream (such as your foot pain). Others would have simply given up and had an excuse not to try. But you were undaunted by that. You should be proud of the 50 miles you hiked not the 450 you didn’t. You accomplished more than most of society!
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Nancy Reply:
June 18th, 2012 at 2:21 pm
@CoreyAnn, I think the hardest part was that it was my hip that prevented it. We expected my knees or foot to stop me, but never even thought about the hip. It was that unexpected nature of it that made it seem so unfair. Oh well – now I’ve got a month to myself. what does one do with a month to herself anyway??
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If you succeed at everything you ever try, you’re not trying anything too spectacular – are you?
Being human and reasonable are not signs of failure! Well done and I’m glad you called it quits!
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Nancy Reply:
June 18th, 2012 at 3:31 pm
@Ian and Wendy, That is a great way to look at it! Yes, I could have succeeded at some other, smaller, hike. I took on a giant. by playing it safe and only attempting things you know you can succeed at, you’re seriously limiting yourself.
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You made a dynamic risk assessment. Something we all have to do to survive. Losing 450 miles and precious time with your children was weighed up against the risk of your hip giving way on a descent and getting injured or killed.
The problem with many people is that their risk perception is poor. They fear travel projects like yours and activities like abseiling, when the risks are quite low. Yet, they undertake everyday activities such as driving which have a much higher risk.
Age is also another challenge to be tackled in life. I certainly can’t physically do all the things I could do when I was younger. I just look for other challenges in a race against myself.
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Nancy Reply:
June 18th, 2012 at 6:38 pm
@John, Very, very true. We do that all the time whether we’re aware of it or not. I am sure my decision was the right one – doesn’t mean I like it, but it was right!
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Hey Nancy, just do it on a mountain bike next time! Much easier on the joints.
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Nancy Reply:
June 18th, 2012 at 6:37 pm
@bearcreek, Have you seen that trail?? Holy mother of God! There is NO WAY I could bike that thing. Never. Ever.
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bearcreek Reply:
June 18th, 2012 at 7:30 pm
@Nancy, Actually, I’ve hiked it 3 times and biked it 3 times. Just learn how to ride a mountain bike and do it.
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Nancy Reply:
June 18th, 2012 at 9:08 pm
@bearcreek, My hat’s off to you!! I am quite certain I’ll NEVER have the strength or technical expertise to do that trail. Wow.
You never know until you try and the only way you fail is by NOT trying!! Kudos to you!!
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Nancy Reply:
June 18th, 2012 at 9:09 pm
@Jenn Miller, I so agree. As long as you try and give it your best shot, all is well.
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Kudos for trying in the first place. It takes more courage to quit something that you are unable to enjoy.
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Nancy Reply:
June 19th, 2012 at 8:08 am
@Steve Whitty, It is hard to quit – very much so! I find that harder than anything. this time it was so clear, which certainly made the decision easier.
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Nancy, you made the right choice even though it was the hardest choice. You still did more than most of have/will do. Enjoy the down time and hope the hip is feeling better.
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Nancy Reply:
June 19th, 2012 at 8:08 am
@Andy, Now I’m trying to figure out what to do with a whole month on my own! Haven’t had that for a long, long time!
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Andy Reply:
June 19th, 2012 at 8:48 am
@Nancy, There are so many great places between Denver and Durango. Find one and enjoy the quiet time.
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Nancy Reply:
June 19th, 2012 at 11:12 am
@Andy, I thought about doing that, but i think I’ll head back to Idaho and work on my book. I’ve got the final three chapters to write, which is the hardest part. This was I’ll have peace and quiet to concentrate on what I’m writing.
Not listening to your body would have been fatal. You did the right thing.
You definitely aren’t a failure. You are a smart, strong woman who knows what’s best for her.
A whole month on your own? (sigh) Sounds lovely! LOL I’d probably go stir crazy for the first few days. Definitely write that book and take some much needed you time.
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Nancy Reply:
June 19th, 2012 at 1:06 pm
@Marci Baun, I have NO IDEA how I’ll manage a whole month on my own – I think that idea scares me more than hiking the trail!! It’ll be an interesting month anyway.
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“Fall down seven times. Get up eight.” – The Buddha
I “fell” on my first international trip: an attempted first descent of a river in Peru. Lost one of three boats. Lost all my camera gear and film (I was trip photographer). Almost lost three men. That was over thirty years ago . . . I got up again . . . and haven’t stopped since
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Nancy Reply:
June 19th, 2012 at 12:15 pm
@Scott, Brilliant!! You are so right that it’s all about getting back up and trying again. I may not try backpacking again as I’m not sure my ancient hip can handle it, but I’ll certainly try other things.
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Love your positive attitude about your hike. I’ve tried a lot of things in life, some I loved but my body gave out… I tried a Couch 2 5K and LOVED the endorphin rush I’d get, but started passing out from blood sugar drops… I may not have finished, but I tried it. I also tried boxing. Again, LOVED the endorphin rush… but my hip was constantly inflammed and so painful I couldn’t function in regular life so I reluctantly stopped. This summer I’m taking sailing & kayaking lessons… Never stop trying stuff!
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Nancy Reply:
June 19th, 2012 at 12:59 pm
@Rilla, Way too many people never even try. We all know we can’t do everything, but we’ll never know exactly what we can and can’t do until we try. Sure, not everyone WANTS to hike the colorado Trail, but I feel that if you want to do something, you owe it to yourself to at least try.
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I don’t think so, Nancy. Most of my comments end up published. Hm… Maybe it was something I said. (g)
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Nancy Reply:
June 19th, 2012 at 3:01 pm
@Marci Baun, That’s good to hear. I just wrote because I was on the list for nearly three years and had no idea there was a way to get off. Good to hear you aren’t on it!!
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You gave it your best shot! I am so sorry it didn’t work out as planned, but at least you gave it a good try. I am amazed that you biked from Alaska to Argentina and all the other places that you have been. I just started reading your blog and love all the adventures. You rock girl!
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Nancy Reply:
June 20th, 2012 at 11:00 am
@Jim Melvin, Welcome Jim! So glad you’re here. We’ve had a lot of fun on our adventures, that’s for sure!
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Your last sentence summed up what I was going to say. So few people would even attempt such a journey. Rock on!
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Nancy Reply:
June 20th, 2012 at 11:01 am
@Scott – Quirky Travel Guy, The way I look at it, there’s a whole world out there. If I can’t backpack any more, there are other things I can do!
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Nancy, that made my hips hurt just reading it! I can’t add anything to what everyone else said except that you’re braver than I am to attempt such an adventure. Just carrying the pack would have done me in! LOL!
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Hi Nancy,
If you had done a practice 50-mile backpack trip, had the same issues, and then skipped Colorado all-together, would you feel the same way? I think it would be the same and you would have won in both cases.
Not advocating over-preperation, but wanted to highlight that turning back before the trip even starts can be as hard (or harder) than turning back during the trip.
Dave
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Nancy Reply:
June 21st, 2012 at 7:58 am
@DaveMc, Very good point! It’s always hard to turn back, no matter what/where it is. That’s part of the adventure though.
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One of the most frightening things is trying something you’re not sure you can do. I think you’re an amazing example to your family–and to all of us! Thanks for the inspiration!
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I met your husband and boys on the CT. I gave them a hitch and hiked with them some. I am old, as slow as you, maybe slower. You have a fascinating lifestyle. I know I will never finish the CT, but I am doing my 3-7 miles a day and supporting my niece who is doing great and she will probably complete the whole thing. I did segments 1-3 and now I am just doing what I can at the trailheads before driving to pick her up and drop her off at trailheads.
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Nancy Reply:
June 25th, 2012 at 11:33 am
@Lois Trail Snail, That’s wonderful! I’m so glad to hear somebody has actually seen them! I’ll be meeting them soon at the trailhead to get them into town. Amazing how much help one needs to do something like this.
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Lois Trail Snail Reply:
June 26th, 2012 at 1:03 pm
We saw John again yesterday 6/25/12 at Twin Lakes, segment 11. They were doing fine and boys were picking up pkg.
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I don’t think you are a loser I think you are a winner. If you had went on and not listened to your body we might have been reading a sadder story. You tried so that makes you a winner.
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Nancy Reply:
July 6th, 2012 at 10:09 pm
@Alice Ricard, That is very true Alice. I do think I would be regretting it BIG TIME had I pushed on.
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I bet you’ll learn more in being alone for a month than you might have on that trip. Please update us. Enjoy.
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Nancy Reply:
July 6th, 2012 at 10:09 pm
@kate, As it happened, the boys decided to bail so I never got my alone month after all. I was actually looking forward to it!
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Nancy – thanking you for being so damn honest and for being you! When I heard that you were pulling out of teh Colorado Trial I was hurting for you because you wouldnt be finishing with your boys. But after reading this I am so glad that you tried – it has opened my mind to what I should be trying even if I dont get to finish it
So yes you are a winner because you did give it your 100% and that is all that matters!
Thanking you for letting me know that anyone can try anything that they are thinking about
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